Résistance [par PM34]

36 minutes de lecture

— Résumons : une armée de Georgettes est en train de conquérir le monde et...

— José, le chapitre précédent date d'il y a une heure, pas besoin de le résumer.

— Ah... Bah ouais mais qu'est-ce qu'on fait du coup ?

— Bonjour, c'est encore Elie Pse !

Mes chers compatriotes, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, 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Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, 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Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, 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Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, Georgette, ainsi que moi-même sommes ravies de vous annoncer la naissance officielle du Georgettistan. Ce n'est plus qu'une question d'heures avant que nous ne conquérions l'Amérique, mais nous avons également un autre objectif...

BAM ! BAM ! BAM !

— J'me demande qui ça peut être...

— Non ! hurla Alba, José n'ouvre p... merde...

— DONNEZ-NOUS MAURICE ! hurlèrent une centaine de Georgettes.

L'intéressé prit rapidement ses jambes à son cou. Ils courrut jusqu'à sa chambre et s'y enferma. Les Georgettes défoncèrent sa porte, ouvrirent la fenêtre pour l'odeur, puis... cherchèrent en vain le jeune héros.

— Alors, vous me trouvez pas ? demanda une enceinte accrochée au mur. Sous vos pieds, bandes de nouilles à la cannelle !

Et effectivement, les Georgettes virent sous leurs pieds respectif une grande écoutille blindée. Elles se mirent immédiatement à faire le poirier et allumèrent leurs cheveux dans le but de faire fondre le métal.

— C'est inutile, cette écoutille est faites d'un alliage de ma composition, mélange de carbone, de tungstène, de platine, de chrome et d'un zeste de citron ! Elle résisterait à la chaleur de soleil ! Et quand bien même vos efforts ne seraient pas vains, c'est trop tard.

Les Georgettes poursuivirent leurs efforts, leurs têtes s'enfonçaient déjà de quelques centimètres.

— Sort de là ! hurla l'une, sinon on tue tes amies !

— Eh mais nan, chuis pas d'accord ! protesta une Georgette qui devait être l'originale.

— Silence ! ordonna Georgette. Es-tu avec lui, ou avec nous ?

— Je le déteste autant que vous, répondit Georgette en posant sa main sur son katana. Mais celle qui touchera à un seul cheveux de mes copines, je la découpe en tranches si fines qu'elle sera transparente.

— Ah ouais ? menaça Georgette. C'est ce qu'on va...

Georgette rengaina son katana. La tête de Georgette tomba en arrière, son corps en avant.

— Ouah... fit Maurice. Ok, j'avoue que ça c'était stylé.

— MORT À LA TRAITRESSE ! hurlèrent les Georgettes.

— Oups ! glapit Georgette.

C'est alors que la terre trembla.

— Les filles, annonça Maurice, j'vous conseille de vous tirer fissa.

Georgette ne se le fit pas dire deux fois. Elle courut pour fuir ses connes-sœurs. C'est alors que le narrateurs se souvint de l'existence des autres GARC qui se jetèrent dans la bagarre pour aider leur amie. Elles vinrent à bout des Georgettes, quand soudain des trompes de guerre résonnèrent. Sur une colline voisine, le soleil faisait briller des milliers de chevelures flamboyantes. Des cris de haines résonnaient dans la ville.

— Les filles, dit alors Maurice, je vous ouvre le sas, ramenez-vous. J'ai une surprise pour elles.

Il y a de ces moments, dans la vie, où l'on choisit sans trop savoir pourquoi. De ces moments où la bonne option parait être la mauvaise (et réciproquement) mais où l'on avance tout de même avec pugnacité. C'était l'un de ces instant. D'un même mouvement, les GARC obéirent à Maurice sans poser de question.

À peine passèrent-elles le sas que l'écoutille se referma. Et elle sentirent que ce dans quoi elles venaient d'entrer montait. Et soudain la lumière fut. À travers de grandes vitres, elles purent observer Montcuq et ses environs s'éloigner d'elles. Le QG n'était plus qu'un trou béant dans le sol.

— Bienvenue à bord du Maurice ! s'exclama Maurice. C'est un ovni que j'ai conçu.

— TU AS CONÇU UN OVNI ?!

— Oui, c'est ce que je viens de dire. Bref, on va se stabiliser à deux kilomètres de haut, et de là on contre-attaque !

— Comment ? demanda Alba.

— Merci de poser la question ! répondit Maurice en se carressant la barde dans le sens du poil. J'ai créé une arme capable de tuer définitivement Georgette.

— QUOI ???

— Ouais alors ça remonte au deuxième tome, hein, entre les chapitre 5 et 6. Mais je ne voulais pas l'utiliser sur toi, qui est-ce que je pourrais victimiser ensuite ? Toujours est-il que c'est le grand jour ! Pour faire simple, la cannelle est composée de trois molécules : benzoate de benzyle, aldéhyde cinnamique et eugénol ! J'ai donc créé un canon capable de balancer les anti-molécules de ces trois là ! L'effet est double : d'abord ça neutralise les capacités regénératives des Georgettes, et ensuite la rencontre entre une particule et son anti-particule créé une énergie considérable qui ferait passer les bombes nucléaires pour des pétards. Du coup, ça fait boum et ça les tues toutes.

— Mais... fit Paulette. Quel genre d'esprit...

— Brillant ?

— ... malade est-ce qu'il faut avoir pour imaginer ce genre de truc ?

— Le mien me suffit ! Prêtes ?

— Vas-y... soupirèrent-elles.

Maurice appuya sur un bouton où était écrit « activation du bouclier scénaristique » et sur un deuxième qui disait « Mort aux rousses ! ». C'est alors que Highway to Hell résonna dans le vaisseau qui s'entoura d'une barrière bleutée d'énergie scénaristique. Dans un léger grincement, le canon se positionna. Dans un bruit de SF à bas budget (du genre « vzioum »), il tira. L'obus vola cheveux aux vents, puis explosa une dizaine de mètres au-dessus des Georgettes, libérant une fumée ocre. Et puis, boum. Le bouclier scénaristique crépita tandis que la ville était désintingrée sur le coup.

Lorsque la fumée et les gravats retombèrent, le vaisseau ne surplombait plus qu'un abyme rougeoyant.

— Bah Maurice, t'as démolis Montcuq !

Lire la suite !

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